Anonymous Bench Author

Monday, August 26, 2013

Anonymous Bench Author

Strolling out of the bush one spring morning in the river valley after fairly decent sleep and brushing off the loose dirt and foliage, I make my way up a hill to one of my favorite spots on Jasper Avenue. I stayed out the previous night because it was a beautiful evening and I didn’t feel like sleeping at the shelter, many of us opts for sleeping outside on such pleasant evenings. After staying at the Herb Jamieson shelter for a while the smell of de feet tends to wear on a person. The sky was clear and the sun had just risen above the horizon shortly before so it was still a bit chilly although beautiful when I arrive at the outcropping of park benches overlooking the valley. This and other spots of the like along jasper ave. is where I’ve spent many hours over the years reading my bible, or smokin’ a doob and/or just enjoy the scenery, it is very beautiful and peaceful here, my sanctuary. As I approach I see some writing in black felt on one of the benches, spread out across the slats of wood that make up the seat I read… 

Don’t be considerate of me for any reason on any day of the year.
I don’t need to be treated good on my birthday either
             BCZ  I
Don’t waste yr time + energy trying to be my friend BCZ I’m no good at anything that
[? (Goes under) illegible] Friend. I am a stupid idiot
I don’t understand anything. I’m so very bad company you cannot confide in me.
You cannot depend on me. I am not trustworthy I am a total drama Queen. I am a bad listener, I lie to you I hear about all that I hear and see and do with you and so many other people. I do not tell any good jokes or any good conversations. I steal from you and all I meet so please do not try Be my friend BCZ I do not know how to be and I do not deserve to be shown or given respect in any way whatsoever plus I am not so attractive in any way I also have bad table manners too OH
And I am native too! that does not mean I do not know how to dress or put on make up.
I smell like I have not showered and you can clearly see that too!

If you had any idea of what I just did you’d might want to laugh… alright then, have at it… I just deleted hours of mind wrenching, thesaurus tiring, painstaking work with a quick push of a button. It was crap…well, all in all it was probably good writing but plain and simple crap. I tried to get fancy with words and attempted to analyze this writing for you, which was like a drill boring its hole right into my soul, but in the end it’s all up to you. It’s up to you to try and make some sense of the state of mind of someone who would come to such conclusions of fate. How is it that a person can believe and accept such ugliness as their lot in lifeWhy a human being would give up on themselves so easily... Well it’s not easy, not easy at all but it’s not too peculiar either, for any of us. I think every one of us is just a step or two away from that edge where nothing matters, not the government nor police not parents, teachers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends, family or even our closest friends.
How often do we see in the news that our kind, quiet and inconspicuous neighbor had snapped and went on a rampage, killing and maiming? How about that mother who kills her children, or when I cut in line at the food court…huh...let’s say that last part again…when I cut in line at the food court. Ya that’s right, to this point at least we have all brought ourselves, perhaps it wasn’t cutting in line but we have all degraded ourselves in some manner or other. If you’d say “come on, there is no comparison”, I would have to differ, so would our Father in heaven. In regards to the law about murder, Jesus said in Mathew 5 that even if anyone were to be so much as angry with their brother would be subject to judgment and that if we were to say “You Fool!” we would be in danger of the fire of hell. Somewhere along the path of our own self-righteousness, have we not thought of ourselves just as we judge the world at times? And that is exactly where it starts, our perception of this reality in which we currently reside can greatly affect our behavior if we allow it. Now if you think about it, just how far off is the statement of cutting in line, from those of this young woman’s.
 This is a little of what the book I want to write is about, my life, Christianity and perception, which by the way I am thinking will be the name of said book. The world can be dog eat dog, it can get down right ugly at times and so we say to ourselves “that’s just the way it is” then comes the inevitable “what the heck”. Jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved ourselves, so let me ask you this, do you always love everyone as you yourself would like to be loved? Now with the example this young woman gives us, that may be a redundant statement, or is it? Alright, let’s break it down in another term if we must, do you always treat everyone as you would like to be treated? Now just imagine all that this little Miss. Anonymous may have gone through in her lifetime, the bullshit she has endured and then gave into, accepted as her own.
 I am sure this young woman has had of her share of abuse, and one can’t help but cringe while reading. You can almost hear her parents yelling at her, see them standing over her bed and waving their pointing fingers at her and blaming her for all that is wrong in their lives and all the extra work they have to do to raise her. Perhaps it was only one parent, or siblings, perhaps it was other family members or foster families or group homes. This had to of started early on in life no, and then carry on through to adulthood, like with boyfriends. Those assholes who said they loved her, the ones that .promised her the world and then took it away. How about the jealousy that had stamped her, placed its label untrustworthy, a liar and no damn good. Perhaps it’s like she says, she’s just a total drama queen, I don’t know. I do know though, that there is a controlling spirit that many of us have exercised to keep the ones we love from wondering away too far. In the end though, it is a destructive force which only causes hurt and serves to push that which we yearn to hold on to away.
I wonder where this girl is now, perhaps I see and pass by her on the street every day, well… in a sense I do. Perhaps you’re reading this now. As I currently look around at those I share my days and my nights with I see that young woman in so many of us. All of us are hurting in some way, struggling against lies of the enemy and some lose that struggle for a time. I too have thought very low of myself and felt like giving in, like saying what the f..k and just carry on in the manner which so much of society and family has labeled me. And at times I have, hence the relapses and more which I will leave for another time. Then sometimes some of us learn, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and walk towards the future. If we are brave enough, we even hope, hope for something better, something simple and pure. Perhaps for something which has been given freely to us by our gracious Father in heaven, true and honest Love. 

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